Its my birthday and i'll reflect if i wanna

So, in 25 minutes it will be my birthday, Feb 10. and for some reason it doesn't feel like my birthday. usually there is an exitement within me, longing to turn another, age, not being able to wait until i am a grown woman. but for some reason, this is not the case. i am turning 20 years old. 20 years old!!! most people make a fuss over 21 because thats the legal age that a person can drink. but come on people, if i really want to drink i wouldnt wait for 21. i feel that 20 is a bigger celebration than 21 (not that each bday is not a celebration. but still)....
this year i wanted to really celebrate 20... maybe this is my last bday, maybe 20 is the age of great change. idk why but i really wanted to enjoy my 20th birthday. and now that it is here...there is a fear within me. i am no longer a teenager, and never will be again. its suddenly hitting me how fast life goes by. the teenage years gave an air of untouchableness...like i would be young forever. and now i realize that this is not true. i worry that im wasting my youth with laziness and uneccessary stupid things. before i know it i will be 40 married to a bum, with 25 kids, a job as a stripper, and full of regrets!!!!

NO!!!!!

this will not happen. i speak happiness and prosperity over my life, hallellujah. lolzzz

i often tell Ophilia that i want stories to tell my children of when i was young.... as i reflect upon the teenage years, i can honestly say that i can write a pamplet of stories. i cannot write a book, and when i think of it, i do not want to write a book. i thank God for protecting me in my stupidity and hard headedness. there were and still are times that i chose to do wrong over right. but he still kept me, when he doesnt have to. He chose not to expose me to too horrible things in life. i am so priveleged to see a 20th bday, many people dont have the opportunity. and i am no better than they.
coming out of the low self esteem, hotmessness of the teenage years, i want to thank alllllll of the people who broke me down and made feel like crap. you all made me soooo much stronger, wiser, and bitchier... (Pastor Gilford if you are reading......stop right here)
and i wanna tell all of you to KISS MY BLACK ASHY FLAT ASS!!!! i could name names but yall not that important. no longer will i allow people to take advantage of this. only those who deserve will get a taste. so all you broke ass, dirty ass, disease ass, nasty ass fools can go the other way cuz i aint taking it no more.

 and therefore, i want to publically introduce Belleah: the stone that builders rejected. this is the official name of my clothing line... bow down bitches, im takin over..here we go in 3...2.....1..........................................